Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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