He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
