Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
