Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
