Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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