Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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