I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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