just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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