I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
