I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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