It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
