my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
