I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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