You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
40s are totally the cure
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
did you just send me my own nude
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
