Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
