I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
