does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
