He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
