I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
