forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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