I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
