Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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