you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
