mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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