My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
