On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
