i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
