it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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