I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
