Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
