Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
