I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
