New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize