i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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