Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
