The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
