Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
