What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
