Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
