Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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