how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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