one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
