if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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