I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
