My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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