Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
