mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
