I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
