I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
