The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize