In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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