my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
