I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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