Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
