her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
