is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
