So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
