I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You can't motorboat a personality
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
