i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
