This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
